I’ve Never Been That Girl

I’ve never been that girl who like hearts and flowers, holding hands with interlaced fingers, hugging, cuddling, or passing gestures of affection. In all honesty kissing is kind of a problem for me. It’s not that I don’t want those things or haven’t wanted them in the past. It’s the fact that those things require a level of trust I haven’t been able to find for a long time.

No one is at fault for how I’ve evolved into this person who doesn’t get butterflies in her stomach anymore, or wants to be held. I am the sum of the experiences I’ve had in my life and some of them have thickened my skin to the degree I feel indifferent. I would be lying if I said my health had nothing to do with it, if anything, it’s made it worse…

No one wants to hear me complain, so I try not to. No one wants to hear me when I’m scared so I try to keep it to myself. No one wants to hear about the daily regiment of pills I take and how much I hate it so I try to not mention it and take them in secret so no one has to see. No one wants to hear I’m afraid of dying, no one wants to hear about one more ER visit. And who cares that I have to go back to Rochester Minnesota and this time they could keep me until…

So I will continue to try to hold hands more, cuddle longer, kiss more frequently, and participate in those passing gestures of affection. I will continue to make an effort to keep things to myself and try not call my mother or sister and unload my endless supply of crap on their doorstep this week and the weeks to follow. I will continue to pray that God will give me the grace to be patient, kind, and still. I’ll continue to pray that God will surround me and fill me with the Holy Spirit and help me accomplish all that needs to  be done before January 19th, when my adventures at Mayo Clinic start again.

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