A Craving

I’ve told this story to a few people so forgive me if you’re hearing this for a second time.

When I was first diagnosed with Amyloidosis and I started my first four rounds of chemo therapy I had a craving come over me that was so strong I was often time left in tears. What did I crave?

Babies…

There was something about the smell of a newborn baby, the new life, the endless possibilities that lay before them. There’s an energy they give off in the early months that’s intoxicating and I believe can be healing. Not healing of the body but healing of the mind, well, for me it would have been, I think. I recall telling my husband about it and wondered out loud if I could only go to the nursery at the hospital and sit in a rocking chair and hold a newborn for a little while. Feeling that if I could just do that once or twice I could find some calm in my storm.

I never did get to hold a baby during that time. I had some friends who had a baby in that time span but they weren’t allowing people to hold their child in the first few months. I recall going to their home to see the baby and drop off a gift. I asked to hold her and was told I couldn’t. Selfishly I cried for a week over the rejection. If they only knew what just a few minutes would have meant to me, would they have let me hold her?

Regardless that time has passed and my craving still kicks in sometimes. But now I do have that opportunity to hold a little one now and then. Just last night I got a chance to indulge my craving by holding a little bundle while her mother ate dinner. She was so warm and squishy, and smelled heavenly. As I suspected it would, my spirits were raised as I sat, so grateful to her mother for allowing me to hold her child.

Even today I’m experiencing the residual baby high I got last night and I’m not sure if I know how to explain the feelings I have. I don’t know if I am in the end stages of my life or not. If I get a heart transplant then the answer would be no, but if I don’t the answer would be yes. So when that little voice in the back of my head is telling me to soak up what I can because it may be my last opportunity the craving to be around new life comes over me.

It’s ridiculous to think that by some sort of spiritual osmosis in holding a baby I can impart some wisdom they might come to realize when they’re older. I know that’s a silly thought and not possible, but if it were? When I passed I wouldn’t really be gone, a piece of me would be with every one of the babies I had the pleasure to love and hold close to my heart. Like I said it’s just silliness on my part…

I’ve had the opportunity to do that with my own children. I held them close and soaked up all the new baby energy. I remember how sweet each of them smelled after they were born. Now in their adulthood I can see that I was a good mother, a good steward of their lives, and I raised three amazing human beings. When I’m gone I will live on in them and live on even more in their children. I truly hope I’m here to see their children, my grandchildren, but if I’m not, I will most certainly be with them all in spirit.

I’m going to ride this baby high all day. I have an amazing dinner planned for my family and today I’m feeling fabulous!

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