It’s Starting to Make More Sense

I always wondered why the divorce rate among people with spouses who were ill was higher than average, but it’s becoming more and more apparent why. Especially after I yelled at my husband last night, telling him I thought I wanted a divorce so I could just be alone. If I’m going to feel lonely all the time I might as well be alone, right? At the time it made sense in my head, but now I feel like a fool for even speaking those words, or any of the subsequent words that were meant to hurt him. This is all seems so unreal, painful, undignified, and just plain cruel that sometimes the emotions associated with all of those things happening at the same time spill over on to the people around me. which brings me right back to thinking I should be alone so I can’t hurt anyone else in my life.

I’m not doing my sons any good; half the time they don’t seem to want to have a whole lot to do with me (I can’t blame them), and don’t get my started on the two daughter in-laws who I’m sure think I’m totally crazy, and want little to nothing to do with me if they can help it. I regret so much and I simply can’t go back and change anything, and I’m not given any leniency for being terminally ill. I think that’s the part that hurts the most. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been sick for nearly six years, that I have a terminal blood disease or need a new heart. I’m still held to the same standard as I would be if I were perfectly healthy, and I just can’t live up to those standards. So, I’m always a failure in one way or another to one, two, three, or all of them…

This all sounds like a huge pity party, and maybe it is, I don’t really care. I’m alone, I’m lonely, I’ve made attempts to make friends, I’ve gone to church, I’ve tried to socialize, I try to stay in contact with people and not just drop off the face of the earth. But I can tell you none of that has helped me make a single friend or find a single person who will come to my home and visit with me when I need someone or I can’t get out. I pray for God to give me patience, understanding, wisdom, peace, and so far I’m still struggling with all those things with no hope of figuring out how to get closer to any of them.

So, it makes sense why people just throw in the towel of their marriage and say they can’t do it anymore. Being the caregiver has to suck, especially when you never know when you’re going to do or say the wrong thing. And being the sick person is like a slow a torture that you can do nothing to make end. You know I often ask myself what I did to deserve all this…

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