Maybe I Should Have Been a Comedian

My primary care physician asked me this week if I am keeping notes or a journal about my never ending medical journey. Why? Because every time I see him I make his face hurt from laughing. I’m his one in a million patient he says, he’ll never in his career have another patient quite like me; not only in personality, but medical complexity. I make him use his brain I guess.

I try not to bother him much because he’s not a specialist and in so many ways my medical issues are way out of his depth, but he tries. So, when I do see him I try to keep it to things I believe he can help me with and I always come with a list. This visit my list was basically…I can’t breathe, my back hurts and my ass aches! It’s true…and because I put it just that way to him he couldn’t help but laugh, which was kind of the point I guess.

If we can’t laugh about all of this, what do we do? It seems so ridiculous to me; how can all of this be happening at the SAME TIME?

Over a month ago he had me do a simple sleep study (at home) and the results were a little shocking. Although it didn’t show that I had a sleep apnea, it did reveal that not only does my heart beat dangerously slow (like 30 bpm) but my oxygenation dips into the low 70%. So, my heart isn’t beating enough and my brain isn’t getting enough oxygen. So, a more serious sleep study was ordered. What’s the catch, what makes this all so ridiculous? From the date he put in the order to the sleep lab it took them four weeks to contact me to schedule an appointment which I would have to wait another six weeks for. From the order to the actual appointment will be 10 weeks! 10 weeks of me not getting enough oxygen in my sleep and my heart beating too slow. Sad, but laughable, no?

Now we’ll move on to my back. I have been experiencing extreme back pain from between my shoulder blades to my tail bone for over a year. They’ve x-rayed me up one side and down the other, they physical therapied me, then they cyclobenzaprined me, when all that didn’t work they tramadolled me, and in the end none of it worked! An MRI was ordered from my T5 to my coccyx, should be simple enough, right? Well, apparently they can’t do all that in a single MRI and my insurance only allows me to have one MRI a day, so the whole thing has been split in to three separate MRI’s on three consecutive days. How ridiculous, and what a colossal waste of time, but who am I to question the medical expertise of my insurance company. Again, laughable, and I have to admit I rolled my eyes a few times when I was on the phone with the woman who scheduled it all. Of course none of it’s her fault so I was polite, however I had a few choice thoughts about my insurance company.

Lastly, the one you were really waiting with bated breath to hear about. Why does her ass ache? Well, if you haven’t had the pleasure of reading my entry about my adventures with Desitin, I encourage you to get caught up on the subject. I take a lot of medication and every one says…may cause diarrhea or constipation…well I have the pleasure of getting the former not the latter. In addition, I’m a mother of three children and there are things that happen to parts of your body with pregnancy that can only be repaired surgically. Well, I had that surgery many years ago, but you wouldn’t know it now; the hemorrhoids are a real. There is no amount of over the counter remedies what will assist me with this problem and quite frankly…I’m tired of my ass aching! Referral number three, the surgeon, thankfully I only have to wait three weeks for that lovely visit. I really can’t wait to have a face to face conversation with someone about my nether regions. It’s was so comfortable and pleasant the first time, NOT!

Again, can I say this is all laughable? How is this happening to me? Sometimes I could swear I’m living in some kind of twisted dream that I will wake up from eventually. Maybe when I do I’ll be 28 again! Man wouldn’t that be a blast…

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