No, I’m Not OK!

Physically I’m fine…don’t get your knickers in a bunch, emotionally I’m NOT ok. There is only so much a person can take before it’s just too much. I don’t even know where to start. I spoke with the psychiatrist today and we both agreed that I don’t need to be medicated and that my current state of mind is very situational and not chemical. Well, chemical in the sense that the transplant team keeps messing with my medication, but beyond that I don’t have a chemical imbalance that is affecting me mentally.

So, what’s my problem?

I want to go HOME! I’m tired of this little apartment and being by myself. There is only so many episodes of the Kardashians a person can watch and the Real Housewives of New Jersey sucks! I’ve already watched the entire series of M*A*S*H, West Wing, and the last season of Shameless. I miss my dog, and I know that sounds stupid but I haven’t seen him in six months. My meds are off, but I’m not sure how. My head’s been feeling fuzzy like I’m drugged (technically I am but I shouldn’t FEEL it), and of course the transplant team immediately said I should talk to the shrink! I lost my appetite about six or seven weeks ago so if I don’t “force” myself to eat I don’t, I’m just not hungry most of the time. I’m still retaining water but my heart cath results would suggest I’m dry, however I can gain and lose 5 to 10 pounds in 24 hours. My head is still the size of a watermelon because of these stupid steroids and probably the reason I’m retaining water. Sprinkle in some family drama and I’m pretty much a mess at the moment. Oh, and did I mention I’m lonely? That sucks too…

Most of this is temporary, I know, but that doesn’t make it any less painful at times.

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