I can’t be responsible for other people’s feelings. All I can do is treat the people around me with dignity and respect and not take it personal if they react in a negative way. I’m not the family counselor, mediator, referee, or general go between. I need the people in my life to start acting more like the adults they are and stop relying on me to help save the day, calm things down, or motivate. I’m not oppose to helping, that’s just in my nature. However, I expect people to learn how to do things themselves after awhile and that’s not happening. I know it’s me; I’m allowing it. The challenge is figuring out where the teaching stops and the enabling starts.
There’s a lot on my plate, more than the people around me know. Not that I have kept them in the dark on purpose, but because it’s just a continuation of me being sick for so long. Yes, my Amyloidosis is in remission, and I had a heart transplant that will extend my life, but I’ve really traded one set of problems for another. Before, I was just trying to survive and keep my heart beating a little bit longer. Now, I have to survive the anti-rejection drugs that have awful side effects, not to mention the handful of other medications I take for various things that still aren’t working like they should be, post-transplant.
I’m not myself yet; I’m carrying a sadness that I haven’t been able to shake. I’m frustrated that my house doesn’t feel like home right now. I’m irritated that some of the people around me aren’t doing their part to be full participants in our family and household. I hate feeling like I always have to be the bad guy to get things done. I’m tired of attitude, entitlement, laziness, and most of all feeling like I’m being taken advantage of. I want to live my life with joy, love and gratitude, but I’m finding it hard to keep focused on that when I feel like the energy around me is trying to derail me.
So, ENOUGH already! It’s time to change my approach, I can’t change the people in my life but I can change me. Not sure where to start but I’ll figure it out…