I feel like the heartbreak is already starting to settle in. I thought I was prepared for all the possible outcomes, but now I can’t say that I am. It’s been almost a year now that I’ve know that the man I thought fathered me, did not. Honestly, it wasn’t a huge upset, before the DNA results he had little to nothing to do with me. Being abandon and fatherless is something I’d become use to so, finding out he wasn’t the one shouldn’t have hurt so much, but it did, more than I thought it would. A second DNA test to see if another might be the one was fruitless as well, and equally as hurtful. I felt like I was careening toward not just metaphorically being fatherless, but to the idea of that becoming quite literal.
Being fatherless isn’t something very unique, there are millions who don’t know who one of their parents is. I thought I knew though, for 47 years I thought I knew. And even though I had nothing to do with it I felt a sense of responsibility for not knowing. There was no big lie or deception on anyone’s part it was simply a mistake, a lack of knowledge, young people not knowing what they were doing, and what the consequences might be. In this case the consequences were the creation of a human being, me.
Maybe the sense of responsibility came from the abandonment I’d felt my whole life. Almost every significant man in my life had abandon me in some way or another. Either it be physical or emotional it feels the same. When so many come and go you must ask yourself, is it me? Of course, as a grown woman, I know it’s not me, it was them. It was their lack of ability to commit to a little girl who needed a father. And maybe that’s why, when I received the postcard confirming the certified letter I sent the one I’m sure it is came in the mail yesterday, a sense of dread came over me. What if he rejects me too?
What a shock it must have been for him to receive it. Surprise it’s a girl…you didn’t even know you had; with a girl you may not remember. Maybe it’s too soon to say how he’ll respond. The ball is in his court now and all I can do is wait. But I can’t help but feel like the longer I wait the less he wants to know me and that’s a terrifying thought, being truly fatherless is a terrifying thought. To be rejected on a parental level is a special kind of pain that doesn’t go away easily.
But like I said, maybe it’s too soon to say…he needs some time to digest it all and then maybe he’ll pick up the phone. I can only hope!