Not OK

I’ve been trying to hold it together for months now. I’ll admit that I was in a state of denial that my generalized depression had returned. I should have spoken to my doctors sooner; I was such an idiot for waiting. I started by calling my transplant team in Utah and although they have prescribed me antidepressants before the Psychiatrist just didn’t feel comfortable prescribing what he had before (a low dose of Prozac) without seeing me. I live in Wyoming and he’s in Utah so I asked for a phone consultation and he didn’t feel comfortable with that either.

I feel like I’m circling the drain and finally reached out for help and all I get in return are barriers. I finally called my local doctor, who as usual wasn’t available. His nurse could see me but she doesn’t listen to me and is generally rude and quite frankly in the state I’ve been in I didn’t want to break down in front of her. Thankfully a nurse practitioner for another doctor in the practice agreed to see me and without hesitation prescribed me what I had been taking post transplant; I even brought in the bottle. She was also kind enough to give me a refill for my Xanax, which I’ve using more lately than any other time in my life.

I internalize my anxiety so to the people I live with or know me have no idea I’m a hot mess on the inside and just a nanosecond away from collapsing into tears. I’ve been extremely tired which is probably a combination of the depression and the hemolytic anemia I’ve had since the transplant. Together I could sleep 20 out of 24 hours of the day. it will take awhile to get the depression and anxiety under control, but there is no reasonable treatment for the hemolytic anemia.

This COVID-19 pandemic has me really scared. I fall into the high risk group because of my compromised immune system. I’ve been self isolating for awhile now and it’s lonely; when I’m awake. I hate sending anyone our to buy groceries in fear they will bring the virus home with them and we can’t have groceries delivered right now because all the stores have been picked apart by hoarders. I think the next couple of weeks are going to be tough.

I had hoped that opening up would help ease some of the anxiety and depression, but it hasn’t. We talk a good game on supporting people with mental health challenges but in reality no one has time to really listen or really help. We all have our own issues and don’t have time to help others. Ironically I was trying to help a friend going through a hard time and they totally turned on me and stopped speaking to me because they couldn’t handle that I have issues I need to deal with as well and couldn’t be there for them 24/7.

I feel like I’m on my own.

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